I Value You

My friends think I am better than I am. They believe in me and encourage me to grow. They grow. They have good hearts. They love.

I have great taste in friends. I choose them well. I do not, however, have the same confidence in my ability to choose a significant other. I'm afraid that I have valued things in guys in the past that will not make me happy, might even work against me and a healthy relationship, and that just don't matter.

I'll always want smarts, wit, a strong testimony, and attraction, but I have noticed a new, healthy must-have: I want someone who values people. Not only can this trait be indicative of someone who has a rooted testimony, I think it says that they are emotionally healthy and mature enough to accept others as good enough. And they can probably allow me to be good enough.

Making me laugh might bring down my wall, having a good job might help me feel secure, but connect with those around you and I just might be yours.  

July 28th (Take 2)

Well, it has been just over a year since I wrote last. It was July 28th. While I felt like I was in an okay place, I'm happy to say that this year's July 28th was a much different experience.

I woke up on the high of a Friday night out with my cousin Karlee and, later, a good conversation with a friend. And I woke up earlier than I do on most Saturdays because this was a Saturday I had been looking forward to for over a year: the baptism of dear friend. My friend lost his membership in the church a few years ago and was well aware of what had been missing in his life, well aware of what was being gifted to him that day through his baptism and confirmation. There was a small group of mostly family at the baptism and I was touched to be one of the few asked to share in those tender moments. The baptism lasted about 45 minutes and I cried 40 of it! I had not cried such happy tears, and for such a long time, in quite a while. The rest of the day could have brought just about anything and it still would have been considered a fabulous day.

A little bit later Devin and Angie (brother and sil) and their two littles showed up and I fed them a family favorite: grilled tuna fish sandwiches and tomato soup (that I traded for roasted red pepper and tomato soup). I was initially going to watch Clark and Henrie for a couple of hours, but they all just hung out for a bit before continuing their trip south to Salina. We took a walk around the apartment complex; it was exciting for Clark who was able to ride his new bike, but poor Henrie was saddened by every toy Escalade he couldn't hop in, tractor he couldn't sit on, and motorcycle he couldn't ride. Angie and I managed to hit up a few stores in search of the perfect bathroom mirror for Clark and Henrie's bathroom. Shopping has its appeal, but I mostly enjoyed being able to chat with Angie. I don't know if there's ever a time I see her that I don't walk away thinking about how grateful I am she's in my life. My brother and the boys are pretty stellar too.

Saturday evening I picked up two of my favorite Matts and went to see Moonrise Kingdom. One of them described it as "the perfect amount of cheese, awkwardness, and adorability." I just call it quirky. And I love quirky. The night was topped off with a trip to Cafe Rio and an hour + long game of pool accompanied by more funny, insightful, and intriguing conversations.

I am pretty happy with my life. I have finally graduated, like my non-Creative Writing job, have a solid group of friends, and am offered countless opportunities to grow.  I still worry about getting older without the family I expected to have by now, but I couldn't be more grateful for the experiences I have had while I am waiting for them to come.

July 28th

Eleven years ago today my grandma passed away. It has been on my mind all day. And it was her birthday on Tuesday. I miss her so. She and I had such a special bond. I showed up late to her viewing and it didn't seem like the crying started until I got there, an aunt whispering in my ear how much she loved me. I've referred to myself more than once as the ninth child, spending  memorable portions of my summers in Dry Fork with them. At the family reunion last summer all her kids and I were called to the picnic tables to identify some of her belongings; I was touched to be considered part of her children, especially to realize that I had a fair share of knowledge about the items to share. She loved to read, even though she was a slow reader. She was always crocheting, knitting, quilting... things she all taught me. I remember riding on a plane in elementary school, around seven years old, and crocheting, wondering why people were looking at me so funny. She wrote letters every morning, incessantly; I think I'm more inclined to sit down and hand write a letter or card than most people because of her example. I associate Grandma with her bottled pears, chocolate hidden all over the house, and freshly baked bread. Her home was always a place of safety and comfort for me.

Consuming my mind even more is the seven month anniversary of our divorce that also occurred today. While there have been some long moments, it has also passed quickly. I can't wait until I am in a place where I don't notice the monthly marks, maybe just the years. I hope I can reach a point where I don't measure time since he left, where my life has become about me again. I hope the 28th can become just another day. He proposed five years ago tomorrow.

Today wasn't just about the death of my grandma and my marriage, it was also a day of possibilities. Something about my writing class this week has breathed a life into me that only comes through words, mine or others'. While I still don't have a specific direction for life after graduation, I think the GRE (required to go to grad school) will be in my future, just in case.

Peace and Comfort

Last Sunday I needed peace and comfort. My prayers for these things were answered in many ways, the following videos just some of them.

I want to share with you that I know the Lord is aware of us. He loves us and is growing us into the people He knows we can be. All of this growing is painful, but He helps us more than we know. We have a merciful God.

I Bruise Too Easily

Literally. I have been moving the past couple of weeks and have acquired a disturbing number of bruises. My legs alone are up to at least sixteen of them. The biggest and best one? It's baseball sized and on my left... uh, cheek. And it was from a fabulous fall after being stuck in the mud for several minutes during The Dirty Dash last Saturday. It was basically a muddy 5k with random obstacles, such as the hogbales, slop 'n slide, and pig sty. I had a good time getting disgustingly dirty, navigating past the snow machine in the summer, falling more times than I care to admit, and seeing all of the costumed runners.

  

I have thought a lot about all of these marks on my body from the dreaded move... and then I remembered that the most notable, and unmentionable, one was from a new, exhilarating experience. As I'm looking to put my ever-changing life in perspective, I hope I can remember that there are so many good things happening - new friendships, going back to school, opportunities to grow through trials, and just fun times - that also leave their mark on me. And, in the end, those will be the things I notice and can't resist talking about, like my left cheek. 

All of this bruise talk has brought Art Garfunkel's song "All I Know" to mind many times...

I bruise you 

You bruise me 

We both bruise too easily

I am an emotional person and I do bruise easily. My poor heart has taken a beating this past year. I read about a women recently who left her career as a physician because she felt she had to limit her caring for her patients to meet the requirements of her job. She didn't want to be the kind of person who gives only so much. That's not who she is. It's not who I am. With Zach, with my recent heartbreak, with friends, I cannot be the kind of person who only gives so much. I give of myself completely and I love whole-heartedly. I acquire many bruises this way, but I can't live any differently. It is not in me. I hold on to the hope that someday I will be in a relationship where there is no such thing as caring too much, where I can love freely. 

I bruise too easily and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Growing Place

I took comfort in the familiarity of going to work everyday and continuing my same plans to finish school when my life was upside down during and after my divorce. Apparently I no longer need that comfort and familiarity, as many more aspects of my life are beginning to change. And, believe it or not, I’m excited about it!

Last week I was hit hard with the realization that I could not finish my degree while working at my current job. Most of my remaining classes are only offered during the day and my work schedule could not accommodate that. I felt like I was wandering around aimlessly for a day or two, but then I began to feel peaceful and excited. I need this push or else I would stay in this stable job with steady pay forever. Finishing my degree, which has weighed on me heavily for years now, will push me to my dreams of writing or working in the publishing industry.

My current plan is simply this: I will leave my job by August and go to school full-time in the fall semester. I will mostly likely stay in Orem and go to UVU, but there is a small possibility that I will go back up to Logan and finish up at my beloved USU. I would like to work part-time and I met someone just a few days ago who asked me to meet with him about working with him part-time while in school. I’ve even started looking for writing-related internships which would mean leaving my job earlier. So much change! And so much peace.

I am grateful for the opportunity to finally finish school. If nothing else, I did not go through all of those years of killing myself with both work and school to stop short. I desire, almost more than anything at this moment, to finish what I started and obtain that little piece of paper that might convince the world, as well as myself,  that I know a thing or two. 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in 

which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing 

which you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

I Believe in Love (And Quotes, Apparently)

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.  ~Zora Neale Hurston

Love withers under constraints: its very essence is liberty: it is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy, nor fear: it is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited where its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve.  ~Percy Bysshe Shelley
  
Desire creates havoc when it is the only thing between two people, or when it is what's missing.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  
Loving is never a waste of time.  ~Astrid Alauda

Love is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.  ~Bruce Lee

Life only starts when love comes.  ~From the movie Bill of Divorcement, 1932

The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.  ~Margaret Atwood

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget.  ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.  ~Victor Hugo

Love is when you can be your true self with someone, and you only want to be your true self because of them.  ~Terri Guillemets

Once a man has won a woman's love, the love is his forever.  He can only lose the woman.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com